Saturday, April 2, 2011

Here I Come To Save The Day


Let the dogs out late and left the door open for them to come back in while locking up the rest of the house. Leon The Weather Cat proudly walks in with a rat. Sets it down in front of me and it runs under the entertainment center. The Man Toy starts screaming like a little girl. Tyrone The Nose barges in and points the crack at the bottom. Man toy keeps screaming.
I get the flashlight and Tyrone is right, it's right there where he keeps poking his Famous Nose. Man toy runs in circles. Tyrone starts clawing at the crack, poking it with his nose and looking at me over and over. Leon leaves in disgust. Dixie and Princess begin tryouts for World Wide Wrestling. Tyrone shoves a speaker out of his way and Man Toy, screaming and running in circles, now has an outbreak of possessive aggression. Princess wins round one of WWW. Dixie insists on a rematch.

I slide the entertainment center out to get a look under and Tyrone The Nose sees his opening and dives into the tangle of wires to get a better point. Man Toy has apoplexy. I tell Tyrone thank you and send all the dogs back outside, remembering to close the door this time.

I get the broom and shove the handle under the entertainment center and swish it back and forth. This somehow triggers the auto shut down of the power to the entire Superior Man Cave Electronics Collection, reducing the Man Toy to a tantrumming 3 year old who's block house fell down. I quit for the night.

I am awakened in the wee hours by Man Screams and go running in just in time to see Man Toy swiftly exiting the bathroom holding up his pants with one hand and slamming the door shut behind him. I am treated to a loud expletive laden play by play of what happens when you are having a poop and a rat runs out from behind the toilet. Man Toy grabs Leon, tosses him into the bathroom and says "do your job." Crashing and banging is heard from within. So I go into the bathroom and poor little ratty is frantically trying to get out of the House of Horrors. I let Leon out of the bathroom and give ratty a moment to collect himself. My animal communication skills don't work on hysterics.

Once the crashing and banging cease, I get the broom and return to the bathroom. Ratty has once again taken refuge behind the toilet I have yet to have my turn on. I open the window, set the broom next to the toilet and angle the handle out the window and grab the toilet brush. "Ratty", I say, "time to make your escape, dude." I poke him with the toilet brush. Ratty decides to make a last stand. He puffs up like a cat and hisses and growls. Really, I didn't know they did that. Leaps at me hissing and growling. I say, "Dude, look, I gave you an escape route, run up that broom," and push him toward it with the toilet brush. Ratty finally gets the idea and does a great impression of a trained mouse at high speed up the broom handle to the sill and makes a suicide leap out the window.

I spray the bathroom down with about half a can of Lysol and go make coffee.

(Some of you will recognize this as published the next day on FB. Told you it was an archived pile of stuff on the way.)

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